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I’ve been thinking a lot lately, with about half of my friends in happy committed relationships and the other half out on the prowl for something more, about how my feelings about being in or out of a relationship change over time.

The old adage “The grass is always greener” seems to have held true through most of my past. When out of a relationship I want nothing more than to have someone to be tied to, someone who knows everything there is to know about me, someone I can trust and love unconditionally. In the depths of such a relationship I’d rather be out on my own: having new experiences, making new friends and forging a path for myself. The notion of being “bound” to someone shifts from a romantic one to a restrictive one very subtly and over a long period of time. I really want to avoid the idea that these are capricious and arbitrary changes, but rather that they have some substantive and reasonable emotional explanation.

First, I’ll entertain that the reason I want out of relationships isn’t that there is something intrinsically bad about them, but that in my specific cases I have had relationships that were worthy of their fate. That is, I thought the grass was greener and, lo and behold, it was. Some support for this comes from the idea that after a relationship and the downsides of being single set in I may miss some of the natural benefits of being in a relationship, but not the specific people I was with. In addition, the lessons I learn about what I’m looking for in another person will help make my next relationship better.

Second, perhaps there was something wrong with the way I conducted my relationships. My life may have been unbalanced and therefore my desire for “freedom” grew from a situation in which I had limited myself by a precedent of spending too much time with and relying to heavily on another person. Maybe my relationships would be better if, once I attain that level of unconditional trust and love, I continue to try and evolve socially (A hard balancing act, especially if I’m with a person of a different relationship philosophy).

Third (and most inconsequentially) I could take the more pessimistic view that nothing will really make me satisfied. The idea that we’ll always want something more than what we have. Being alone isn’t good enough, being with someone isn’t good enough. I don’t think think I can give this idea much credence, however. all it takes (for me)is remembering a moment when I was brilliantly and perfectly happy. These are rare, but we all have them. I’ve had moments like this in and out of relationships, alone and with other people. It’s happened before and it will happen again: Satisfaction guaranteed.  Moments like these give me hope that I will be fulfilled, that I’ll either find someone to spend the rest of my life with or become happy pursuing whatever personal endeavors I decide (Or both).

What am I trying to get out of writing this? I suppose mainly a personal reminder. Try to keep your life balanced in matters of love, and if you ever think that the grass might be greener on the other side, take a second to appreciate what you have.

You know that feeling you have for a few days after you’ve been sick? Where you feel like you have a greater value for your health? You think to yourself, “Being sick really makes me take what’s normal for granted.” We need more thoughts like that in our love lives.